Losing Something you Care About

On the 2th September 2016 I got a “provoked” abortion (medical), because I had a missed abortion when I was 10 weeks and 3 days pregnant.

We were crusted because we had been trying for some time and we really wished for this baby. My whole world fell apart and it was like the world was totally black for me. I couldn’t do anything but cry. I had trouble going to work, because of both the physical and mental/emotional pain. I was happy that my colleges understood.

“It’s dead. There’s no life”
It hurts me so bad, thinking about what I went through in that period. It all felt so unreal. To be told that “there’s no heart activity”, “we’re sorry but it’s dead and there’s no more life” after that, I didn’t hear anything the doctor told me. I was thankful that my mother was with me and went with me to the ultrasound. When the first medical abortion didn’t work, I then received a new batch of medical pills that should remove the last tissue. I thought that because I’d already tried the medical way once, even if the pain was something other worldly painful, I would rather do that than get it remove surgically (I’m scared of hospitals).

But no… Of course that wasn’t enough.
I thought that nothing was going my way. For some reason I’ve been hella scared of hospitals, like they are so fucking white and cold and they just remind me of death. Which meant that for me, even a “small” operation was enough to freak me out. And this operation to get the tissue remove, was my first ever operation. It turned out that it wasn’t as bad as I was imagining. They removed it all and it was good. I was happy that the worst was soon over, but I was still so sad.

Time heals wounds, but not all.
Since then, three cycles later I feel much better. I’m still had about the whole thing sometimes, but I think that’s totally normal. I’ll never forget what I’ve been through. The feelings are still heavy, but it’s okay. We have now discovered that I’m pregnant again. We are happy, but shit I’m so scared at the same time. Scared that the same thing will happen again. But only time will tell if we really can have this child, which I pray for intensely.