Moving On

Moving On

First off, let me say that I’m not pregnant. I’ve been pregnant twice, but still without getting to full term. I’ve had one missed abortion and one bio. I feel like I’ve been through hell and 2016 was probably the worst year of my entire life.

I’ve decided to post this because not many people talk about missed abortion or how it affects them. My fiancee is of cause sad and super supportive, but I feel like it’s been harder for me to move on.
Seeing other pregnant women just reminded me of what I’d lost and how much I envied them – especially those close to me. It was tough. Everything made me so fucking sad. I got depressed. I got help, I went to counselling.

I feel like this event has taken up so much space in my head and my body physically, that I just can’t take it anymore. If I hadn’t had that missed abortion in September when I was 11 weeks, I would be full term this month. But I can’t think about what ifs and what could have beens. I have decided to move on. I’m not giving up, because I’m not a quitter. But for now, I have to think about something else, and let go of these terrible feelings to move on. We all deserve to be happy, and I know that one day I’ll give birth to a healthy and happy baby. Bless you all ❤

False positive

False positive

Shortly after I wrote my last entry about the miscarriage, we’ve found out that I’m not pregnant anymore – or maybe I never was (false positive).

But there really was two lines on the test, but I guess it was still either an early miscarriage or just a false positive. Anyway, I’m not pregnant anymore. I was sadden by this, but not as much a the first time.

We have now decided to stop “project baby” and just relax and try to enjoy our lives as much as possible. We are sure that it will happen for us some time.

I still feel that it’s hard to watch my friends and family have kids and for some, it’s like they are shitting them out of their vagina. I am of course deeply happy for them, but I still feel jealousy, hate and sadness. It’s hard for me to have these feelings for people that I actually care about. I keep a long distance from people with children, because being close to them just hurts so much. Is it weird that I’m feeling like this? Seeing a pregnant woman gives me a punch in the gut and I feel pain and sorrow of not being pregnant myself anymore. It feels so terrible and I get mad at myself for having these feelings, because I should feel happiness for others, but I just can’t because it hurts too much.

But I’ve now realized that there is nothing wrong with me feeling this way. It is completely normal, and with time these feelings will disappear.

 

 

Losing Something you Care About

Losing Something you Care About

On the 2th September 2016 I got a “provoked” abortion (medical), because I had a missed abortion when I was 10 weeks and 3 days pregnant.

We were crusted because we had been trying for some time and we really wished for this baby. My whole world fell apart and it was like the world was totally black for me. I couldn’t do anything but cry. I had trouble going to work, because of both the physical and mental/emotional pain. I was happy that my colleges understood.

“It’s dead. There’s no life”
It hurts me so bad, thinking about what I went through in that period. It all felt so unreal. To be told that “there’s no heart activity”, “we’re sorry but it’s dead and there’s no more life” after that, I didn’t hear anything the doctor told me. I was thankful that my mother was with me and went with me to the ultrasound. When the first medical abortion didn’t work, I then received a new batch of medical pills that should remove the last tissue. I thought that because I’d already tried the medical way once, even if the pain was something other worldly painful, I would rather do that than get it remove surgically (I’m scared of hospitals).

But no… Of course that wasn’t enough.
I thought that nothing was going my way. For some reason I’ve been hella scared of hospitals, like they are so fucking white and cold and they just remind me of death. Which meant that for me, even a “small” operation was enough to freak me out. And this operation to get the tissue remove, was my first ever operation. It turned out that it wasn’t as bad as I was imagining. They removed it all and it was good. I was happy that the worst was soon over, but I was still so sad.

Time heals wounds, but not all.
Since then, three cycles later I feel much better. I’m still had about the whole thing sometimes, but I think that’s totally normal. I’ll never forget what I’ve been through. The feelings are still heavy, but it’s okay. We have now discovered that I’m pregnant again. We are happy, but shit I’m so scared at the same time. Scared that the same thing will happen again. But only time will tell if we really can have this child, which I pray for intensely.

What I’ve Been Up To (Update)

What I’ve Been Up To (Update)

Hey guys,

It’s been a really long time since i posted anything or even uploaded a video to YouTube. I’ve mainly been busy working full-time job as a graphic marketing assistant. A month has passed since I started working at my new job and for some reason it has really taken a toll on me. I feel like there’s a lot of stuff that I want to do, but I’m so tired when I get home that I don’t really want to do much besides slacking on the couch. Though I do feel like I’m slowly gaining my energy back, so hopefully I’ve start working out again and make time for all the stuff that I want to do 🙂

This was just an extremely short update, so you guys don’t think I’m dead or anything. I’m still here and I’ll keep trying to make some videos, they just won’t come out as fast as I had planned.

Oh and by the way, I dyed my hair blond with Dark and Lovely’s Fade Resistant Rich Conditioning Lightener in shade #384. I’m still obsessed with both blond and red hair so… yeah. If I had only done more research before I’d bleached my hair a few months back, I would have used this, because it did a great job! 😀

New Clothes

New Clothes

I suddenly noticed that I don’t have any t-shirt and tops that fits me for when I start work after the summer holidays. I then went on a little shopping spree with my boyfriend a got some new great things, which I’m really excited about.

It’s always hard for me to buy clothes, because I like to feel comfortable in it, so I have to try it on before buying it. I also have a weird thing with how tight the shirts are around my bust, so, yeah, I don’t really know why. But sometimes tops can just irritate me so much that I end my taking it off and grabbing a new one before going out. If I don’t feel comfortable in my clothes, I become tense, frustrated and annoyed – which is not fun so I try to avoid that.

Anyway, here’s the new stuff I bought 🙂

A turtle neck ribbed midi dress in a gray color. I like this one very much and I’ve been obsessed with it for a few weeks. It’s in a size medium (they didn’t have a size small and I don’t think it would have looked good anyway). It’s from Pieces.

A turtle neck top that is SO fricking soft, you won’t believe it. It’s black-ish or dark blue-ish. Lately I’ve been re-watching Friends and I saw Jennifer Aniston wearing a turtle neck top just like this one! The episode was from 1998, lol. It’s funny how fashion from the early and late 90’s are coming back now. It’s also from Pieces.

I also got these shorts – my very first pair of short in many many years. The shorts (size medium) are from Messenger while the three tops (size small) are from H&M. Just so I had some basics, because I love basics so much, so comfy.

This is the last top i bought. I usually don’t like a loose fit around the bust area, but this one was shockingly comfortable. It’s in a size small from H&M.

My New Nike Free TR 5

My New Nike Free TR 5

I’ve had my first pair of training shoes for just over a year and they have always been uncomfortable. I only bought them because I was unsure whether I could stick with my training routines or not (when I decided to lose weight). They were also cheap, so the quality wasn’t really something to jump for.

I then finally decided to buy a new pair, a pair or Nike Free TR 5s in the ‘breathe’ edition. I actually wanted to design my own pair, but I’ve never owned Nike’s before and because I didn’t know how they would fit me, I decided to go down the safe path and bought some pre-designed.

And they are great! Never have a shoe fit me so perfectly. It’s like it was made for my foot 😮 They are so light-weight and it almost feels like you don’t have any shoes on. It’s a pleasure to work out with them. I’m so happy with these.

I got them i a blue/teal color. My boyfriend says they are green… are they green or blue? I see baby-blue.

Getting Ready for my Friend’s Wedding

Getting Ready for my Friend’s Wedding

Today my boyfriend and I are going to our friend’s wedding. I met her in last year of ‘gymnasium’ (it’s a danish three year education before college and/or university). At first I didn’t really like her, but as we spent more and more time together, I found out that she was actually very fun and interesting and a good friend. We have had many fun and sad times together and she was there when I got together with my boyfriend (I was in the same class as my boyfriend) so that’s why she’s not just my friend.

She has such a great personality and I’m so happy that she is getting married today 😀

Not only am I going to the wedding as a friend, but also as a photographer! I’m very nervous and excited. This is my first ever wedding, also as a photographer. I hope she will be happy. I’ll post some of the very best photos in a few days.

Now I have to finish up and get ready to go to the wedding 🙂

The dress is a bodycon dress from Dorothy Perkins it was originally in a size 14, but my mom down-sized it to a size 10 so I could wear it today.

Going Down Two Sizes

Going Down Two Sizes

When you are losing weight, there will come a beautiful time were you have to go down in dress size. I recently went from a UK size 14 to 10. That means that a lot of my old dresses are too big now. So I’ve asked my lovely mother to fit them down to my current size.

This is a dress from Dorothy Perkins I bought in the start of January 2015, not thinking about my weight loss journey at all. When I got the dress, it was already a bit too big, especially in the bust and waist. Now, months later, I want to use this dress for a friend’s wedding. So my mom fitted the dress down from UK size 14 to 10. The two pictures to the left are from the original size 14 and the two to the right, is after it has been fitted down. In all, the dress lost 12 centimeters around the bust, wait and hips. Uh, and 8 centimeters around the arms. I am so happy! Now it fits perfectly and I love it. A big thank you to my lovely mom! <3

Soaked in sweat!

Soaked in sweat!

You know you have put in the right amount of work, when you are actually soaked in your own sweat from top to bottom and from fingertips to your toes. If this happens to you every time you work out – good on you! I don’t normally sweat THIS much when I work out, but yesterday I just had extra fun with my workout 🙂

Keep on working on your goals and you will get there soon! Remember that hard work pays off :b

I’ve been feeling down lately

I’ve been feeling down lately

It’s been quite some time since I last updated my blog. Sorry guys! 🙁 I’ve really been wanting to update and do new videos, but I’ve felt so down lately that I feel no joy in doing anything anymore. Maybe I’ve been feeling slightly lost and maybe I still am. I feel so stressed and so much pressure by society and what I feel like I’m supposed to do with my life.

It’s all a mess and if I were to do into detail this entry would be a book’s length. So I’m making it short. I’m currently working in a trainee program and it’s just fine I guess. I get work experience out of it, so that’s awesome. It’s a full time program and it’s really making me tried because I’ve been unemployed for like two months now and adjusting to my new schedule has been hard the last to weeks. But I’m already starting to feel more energized again – maybe that’s because I actually got a workout in yesterday? When I don’t work out for more than a few days I start to feel moody and tired.

My weight loss progress hasn’t been great either. I’ve actually gained about one kilo. I know that isn’t much. And I know why I gained it (been eating more because I’m frustrated and stressed). So starting this week I’m making a bigger effort in working out now that I’ve gotten used to my schedule and coming home late. I know that I can do it, I just have to do it.

I want to feel great and awesome and part of that feeling comes from doing videos and writing on my blog. I’ve actually had time to write scripts for some videos, so I only need to film them 🙂

Well, that will be all for now. I’m looking at better days ahead and hopefully I’ll get more workouts and videos in this week. Stay tuned guys!

I hope you guys are doing awesome, feel free to comment and discuss your progress 🙂