False positive

Shortly after I wrote my last entry about the miscarriage, we’ve found out that I’m not pregnant anymore – or maybe I never was (false positive).

But there really was two lines on the test, but I guess it was still either an early miscarriage or just a false positive. Anyway, I’m not pregnant anymore. I was sadden by this, but not as much a the first time.

We have now decided to stop “project baby” and just relax and try to enjoy our lives as much as possible. We are sure that it will happen for us some time.

I still feel that it’s hard to watch my friends and family have kids and for some, it’s like they are shitting them out of their vagina. I am of course deeply happy for them, but I still feel jealousy, hate and sadness. It’s hard for me to have these feelings for people that I actually care about. I keep a long distance from people with children, because being close to them just hurts so much. Is it weird that I’m feeling like this? Seeing a pregnant woman gives me a punch in the gut and I feel pain and sorrow of not being pregnant myself anymore. It feels so terrible and I get mad at myself for having these feelings, because I should feel happiness for others, but I just can’t because it hurts too much.

But I’ve now realized that there is nothing wrong with me feeling this way. It is completely normal, and with time these feelings will disappear.

Losing Something you Care About

On the 2th September 2016 I got a “provoked” abortion (medical), because I had a missed abortion when I was 10 weeks and 3 days pregnant.

We were crusted because we had been trying for some time and we really wished for this baby. My whole world fell apart and it was like the world was totally black for me. I couldn’t do anything but cry. I had trouble going to work, because of both the physical and mental/emotional pain. I was happy that my colleges understood.

“It’s dead. There’s no life”
It hurts me so bad, thinking about what I went through in that period. It all felt so unreal. To be told that “there’s no heart activity”, “we’re sorry but it’s dead and there’s no more life” after that, I didn’t hear anything the doctor told me. I was thankful that my mother was with me and went with me to the ultrasound. When the first medical abortion didn’t work, I then received a new batch of medical pills that should remove the last tissue. I thought that because I’d already tried the medical way once, even if the pain was something other worldly painful, I would rather do that than get it remove surgically (I’m scared of hospitals).

But no… Of course that wasn’t enough.
I thought that nothing was going my way. For some reason I’ve been hella scared of hospitals, like they are so fucking white and cold and they just remind me of death. Which meant that for me, even a “small” operation was enough to freak me out. And this operation to get the tissue remove, was my first ever operation. It turned out that it wasn’t as bad as I was imagining. They removed it all and it was good. I was happy that the worst was soon over, but I was still so sad.

Time heals wounds, but not all.
Since then, three cycles later I feel much better. I’m still had about the whole thing sometimes, but I think that’s totally normal. I’ll never forget what I’ve been through. The feelings are still heavy, but it’s okay. We have now discovered that I’m pregnant again. We are happy, but shit I’m so scared at the same time. Scared that the same thing will happen again. But only time will tell if we really can have this child, which I pray for intensely.

I’ve been feeling down lately

It’s been quite some time since I last updated my blog. Sorry guys! 🙁 I’ve really been wanting to update and do new videos, but I’ve felt so down lately that I feel no joy in doing anything anymore. Maybe I’ve been feeling slightly lost and maybe I still am. I feel so stressed and so much pressure by society and what I feel like I’m supposed to do with my life.

It’s all a mess and if I were to do into detail this entry would be a book’s length. So I’m making it short. I’m currently working in a trainee program and it’s just fine I guess. I get work experience out of it, so that’s awesome. It’s a full time program and it’s really making me tried because I’ve been unemployed for like two months now and adjusting to my new schedule has been hard the last to weeks. But I’m already starting to feel more energized again – maybe that’s because I actually got a workout in yesterday? When I don’t work out for more than a few days I start to feel moody and tired.

My weight loss progress hasn’t been great either. I’ve actually gained about one kilo. I know that isn’t much. And I know why I gained it (been eating more because I’m frustrated and stressed). So starting this week I’m making a bigger effort in working out now that I’ve gotten used to my schedule and coming home late. I know that I can do it, I just have to do it.

I want to feel great and awesome and part of that feeling comes from doing videos and writing on my blog. I’ve actually had time to write scripts for some videos, so I only need to film them 🙂

Well, that will be all for now. I’m looking at better days ahead and hopefully I’ll get more workouts and videos in this week. Stay tuned guys!

I hope you guys are doing awesome, feel free to comment and discuss your progress 🙂