False positive

Shortly after I wrote my last entry about the miscarriage, we’ve found out that I’m not pregnant anymore – or maybe I never was (false positive).

But there really was two lines on the test, but I guess it was still either an early miscarriage or just a false positive. Anyway, I’m not pregnant anymore. I was sadden by this, but not as much a the first time.

We have now decided to stop “project baby” and just relax and try to enjoy our lives as much as possible. We are sure that it will happen for us some time.

I still feel that it’s hard to watch my friends and family have kids and for some, it’s like they are shitting them out of their vagina. I am of course deeply happy for them, but I still feel jealousy, hate and sadness. It’s hard for me to have these feelings for people that I actually care about. I keep a long distance from people with children, because being close to them just hurts so much. Is it weird that I’m feeling like this? Seeing a pregnant woman gives me a punch in the gut and I feel pain and sorrow of not being pregnant myself anymore. It feels so terrible and I get mad at myself for having these feelings, because I should feel happiness for others, but I just can’t because it hurts too much.

But I’ve now realized that there is nothing wrong with me feeling this way. It is completely normal, and with time these feelings will disappear.